I had been praying for some time that God would restore my family... I wasn't interested in my mother and father getting re-married, I just wanted us all talking and laughing together like a sort of normal family!! That did happen!
When Exavier was born I was living in New Zealand and my father was in Melbourne Australia... He told me that when he heard I was pregnant that he thought I had thrown my life away... Not the nicest of thoughts... But see - he hadn't met my little girl!! She was bright and bubbly and full of life!
For her second birthday my father spent 6 days with us! Exavier enjoyed the time spent with her Grandfather! I must admit it was weird having my father in my home! He helped me with a few things that needed fixing (which I appreciate).
Sadly it wasn't long after Exaviers birthday that Exavier got sick and died.
My father didn't make it to the buriel part of the funeral... He explained to me later that if he had been there then his heart would have been hardened to the rest of the service that followed! My pastor made a plea for all present to turn their lives over to Jesus. And he also said that as Christians we have a hope that others do not have... that is that we will see our dearly departed again in Heaven.
A few days after the funeral service (where we played games and cried and laughed...) My father confessed to me that he really should have responded to Ps Johns message! We sat in a friends kitchen and I asked him all kinds of questions and then finally I asked him if he had accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour... He said yes... then looked at me with shock because it was the first time in the week that he had actually thought about it!
So the death of a beloved child brought about the salvation of a father! Nice one Exavier!
We all prayed that Exavier would recover and be healed, but then I wonder, would so many lives have been changed so dramatically if what happened didn't happen??
God showed me that He is Sovereign, and that He makes the final decision on when our time is up!Yes I was devistated when she died. Who wouldn't be when their first born child dies suddenly? But I know that I have hope!
I remember thinking while I was in labour with her that I hoped the pain wouldn't kill me!! Then to see her die, I thought that that pain would kill me! Someone asked me a few months after her death how I managed to struggle on! My answer shocked them... I simply said that if it weren't for my faith in my God then there would not have been one coffin, they would not have been burying one little person, but there would have been two coffins and they would have burried a little person and her mother!
I atribute the fact that I am still alive today with one beautiful little girl (who has just gone to bed) and a loving husband (and a second child in heaven) to the saving grace of Jesus Christ!
How does one survive the death of a child without God? ... I also ask this question... How does one go on after having a second child die?
I thought that sitting in a hospital watching a child, that I have grown to love so very much, die was painful... But then I discovered something a little worse - but not all that much worse... worse in a different way... I have photos and memories of Exavier... I have nothing of Abiah... An approximate birthdate of sometime around June/July... memories of shocking sickness (throwing up until I felt like my inside would come out then throwing up some more), severe sleepiness (if I stopped what I was doing for not even 5 minutes I would be asleep), and extreme lack of energy (staying in bed was tireing... what was worse was having to make a mad dash to the toilet)... All I have is a date... 19 November. Ten days after Onjahlikas first birthday...
Miscarriage... The Dr called it spontaneous abortion... I don't like that term much... Not nice! No-one told me why. I was given morphine after the fact, which happened in a not so nice way... I was alone... (husbands aren't allowed to follow you into a toilet to hold your hand when you think you need to pee only to end up having a miscarriage! I cant blame the staff at the hospital... they were litterally run off their feet... it seems that on that day everyone was just itching to go to A and E!! They did manage to re-arrange the place and fit me in!
My emotions were shot... tried talking to my sister-in-law but all I could do was cry.
Excuse me while I wipe away my tears so I can see!
Again the only thing that got me thru the long nights was praying to and worshiping Jesus.
Sons of Korah did a song... of David when his child became ill and died... for a week David was on the floor praying that God would spare the child, but the child died anyway. I like what David did following the death of the child...
2 Samuel 12...
Nathan replied, The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.
After Nathan had gone home, the Lord struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground but he refusd, and he would not eat any food with them.
On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, While the child was still living , we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He might do something desperate.
David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized that the child was dead. Is the child dead? he asked. Yes, they replied, he is dead.
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshipped.
What is my point in this? Well, if I had not done that exact same thing, I would have been eaten up with grief and bitterness.
I have made the Lord my refuge. God is my refuge.
The photo is of Exavier a few days before she died. (she has painted herself with tooth paste)
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